Thursday, April 17, 2014

The Moutain ahead,....and behind.

When I decided to quit drinking, I felt like the idea of not drinking EVER again was kind of overwhelming. If I live the average lifespan of a male in this country ,that is 17855 days. This is probably why the AA mantra is " one day at a time". I don't have to be sober for 17855 more days, I just have to be sober for 1 Day. Thinking about it like this is much more manageable.
 However, coming up on 11 months sobriety, I am having some issues with the 330 days since I had my last drink. They feel a little intimidating too. Whenever I read about someone who falls off the wagon after serious time on, it makes me sad that they had come so far. It also makes me feel weak for still wanting to drink so badly after almost a year. " I should be past this" is the most common thought that runs through my head. Yet I could start drinking again tomorrow. I know this, and it makes me ashamed of myself.
  BUT, shame is something I will not allow myself to wallow in. Shame pulls us down to the places where we don't take care of ourselves. Shame takes our strength. It took strength to quit,  and I am strong still.
 So from now on I will carry my 1 day coin with me. I have only been sober a day, forever. And I know that on day 17854, I will still want to drink,( and that's OK) but I won't. I only have to be sober for one more day.